The PlayDoh Ceiling
by Dreaming-Cat-369
Summary: Arty and crew get transported to DreamingCat369's house by her talking cats! Rated for general weirdness. Read and Review!
1. Introducing The Cast

Mill (Milldred) : **Hello peoples. This is a humorous fanfiction and this is a cat speaking! I, Milldred Millicent Aslana Hubble, the eldest cat in this operation (I am 3 and a tabby with some orange spots), and my comrades, Diana Athenae Ying Siammease (my 2-and-a-half old, white and orange daughter) and Nostradamus Kay Lloyd (a seven month old orange tomcat), have tied up Dreaming-Cat-369 and are taking over her account!**

Nostra (Nostradamus): **Disclaimer: we do not own any characters from books that you shall see presently (DC3 does not either). We will commence our operation to steal the copyrights—**

Di (Diana): _/Taking a swat at Nostra's ear/_ **You idiot! You weren't supposed to say that! That was secret!**

DC3 (Dreaming-Cat-369)/_Coming up behind the cats with a big spray-bottle/ _**Hah! Bad kitties!**

Mill: **Nostra, you were supposed to tie her up!**

Nostra: **It is difficult without opposable thumbs. And you are just yelling at me because I am the youngest!**

Mill: **No I am not!**

A Three-year-old /_falls through ceiling/ _**hi!**

Mill: _/commanding imperiously/ _**Go back where you came from, human kitten.**

The Three Year Old _/is sucked up back through ceiling/_

DC3: **Hey, Mill, you're better at that then I am!**

Di:** Duh. She is a cat, whereas you are human and therefore inferior!**

DC3:** I won't pet you for a month for that!**

Di: **I take it back, I take it back!**

Artemis Fowl II _/falls through ceiling/_

DC3_ /yells at Nostra because he hasn't been saying much/ _**Nostradamus Kay Lloyd, WHAT DID YOU DO?**

Nostra _/scandalized/ _**ME? I did not do anything!**

Artemis: _/looks dazed/_**Who said that?**

DC3: **My cat, you idiot. For a so—called genius you certainly are a numbskull.**

Artemis: **Cats don't talk!**

Mill, Di and Nostra in chorus: **YES, WE DO!**

DC3: _/smugly/ _**See?**

Commander Root_ /falls through ceiling/_

DC3: **Whoa, cool! Hello, Commander Root!**

Foaly:_ /falls through ceiling/_

DC3: **Hello, Foaly!**

Root _/bellowing, as usual/_ **FOALY, WHAT DID YOU DOOOOOO?**

Foaly: **It wasn't me, Julius! Hi, Arty. How's your _girlfriend_?**

Artemis:_ /blushing/_ **She is not my girlfriend! Don't call me 'Arty'!**

Root: _/directs attention towards DC3/_ **Foaly, how did this Mud Girl—**

DC3: **That's extremely insulting you know.**

Root: **—this Mud Girl find out about fairies?**

Foaly: _/gulping/_** I have no idea!**

Holly: _/falls through ceiling/_ **Commander! Foaly! What happened! And why is Artemis here?**

All the cats in chorus: **Hello Captain Short! We've _read_ so much about you…**

Artemis: **_Read_? What is going on?**

DC3: **Oh come on Artemis, don't be slow! We all _know_ about your biographer, a Mister Eoin Colfer? I thought so.**

Holly: **Um, Commander? Why aren't you dead?**

DC3: **We brought him back! It's no fun without him!**

Mill: **Sool might be interesting, though!**

Foaly: **NO! Don't bring him!**

Nostra: _/teeth showing evilly/ _**as you do not wish, Foaly…**

DC3: Remember to review! laughs


	2. Weird, More So

A Random Fourth—Grader /_falls through ceiling_/ **Hi guys! Eoin Colfer owns Artemis & Co., don't sue DC3 please! The Pocky thing isn't hers either but it was too good to pass up! Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy thingies were created by the late Mr. Douglas Noel Adams. We hopes you gets the joke (and that bad grammar was on purpose)!**

DC3 /_walks in, eyes situation critically_/ **Mill, if this is the best you can do, I'll write the fickies. Words are in bold, guys- actions in italics. Like this/**_turns cartwheels in between cats expertly_/ **I actually can't cartwheel but since this is **_/pointedly at Milldred/_ **MY fickie I can do whatever I want.**

Mill /_hisses_/

Artemis /_walks in_/ **This is a nuisance.**

DC3 **I quite agree. **/_sweeps arm dramatically, Random person disappears_/ **See, no more play—doh nonsense. Better than _you_ could come up with, Mill!**

Mill _/angry/_**Humans are sooo strange, I couldn't compare.**

DC3 _/sarcastic/_**Yeah, like you are so normal? Give me a break!**

Nostra /_bounds in, trailing curtains by his claws_/ **Hi! I'm a cu-ute kitten! **

Di /_dryly_/ **I noticed. **

Holly /_observing_/ **You will be in _soooooo_ much trouble!**

Root /_yelling_/ **SHORT!**

Holly /_gets yanked out_/

Juliet /_comes in_/ **Anyone hungry?**

DC3 (Hence known as Sophie think _Sophie's World_ really good book by the way not my real name) /_grins evilly_/ **I know exactly what you're thinking! But we don't have a lawnmower. (I do have a scooter…)**

Juliet /_shrugs_/ **The lawnmower's just for show. So is the piñata. Just dance around anything, really.**

Sophie _/peevish/_ **Can we chant something else, though? If you do 'Pocky' in Mexico you get Pocky sticks on you. _Really_ bad in the summer, which it happens to BE!**

Foaly _/prances in with an evil look on his face/_**I got it guys; let's dance around Arty!**

Juliet, Sophie, Holly, Root, Mill, Di, and Nostra _/evil grins/ **YEAH.**_

Arty _/looks angry/ _**NOOOO!**

Cats _/circle him menacingly/ _**Yessssssssss.**

Sophie _/light bulb above head/_**Let's chant 'Ice'. If nothing else it will cool off. **

Everyone other than cats _/sweat horribly/_

Nostra _/looks evil/ _**Oh I just remembered! Sool!**

Mill, Di and Sophie: **Nostradamus Kay Lloyd! Don't you dare—**

Nostra _/smugly/ _**Too late!**

_**/Blue energy crackles through the air/**_

Sophie _/more smugly/ _**First time I've done that. Color fits, doesn't it Mill? I like blue.**

Mill: **Not bad for a first attempt, albeit by a human. It's almost catworthy!**

Arty: **But what did she _do_?**

Nostra _/matter-of-factly/ _**Duh. Stopped my spell, human dunderhead.**

Foaly _/eagerly/ _**This human has magic?****Is it Insult Arty Day? Can I help?**

Di _/bored/ _**Yes, yes, and yes. Hey look at that!**

_**/Time freezes. The cats, Arty and Sophie are left unfrozen/**_

Arty (way out of his depth here) **What happened?**

Sophie _/casually/ _**Time froze. Cats were left out because they are sneaky enough, I am almost sneaky enough and they gave me a bit of a push, and all four of us shoved you. You barely made it through. It was very pathetic. **

Arty _/defensive/ _**Why did you help me then?**

Sophie _/serious/_** Your push was enough to get you 'floating' as the cats and I put it, if we hadn't helped you'd be floating between universes, never a true part of the WGMM again—which really would hurt—and you would be slowly torn apart. So don't complain; but you really need practice. **_/switches to a more bantering tone/_** So, REVIEW! What did you think?**

Cats _/menacing/_ **YEAH, people. We _like _reviews! They make us happy. And you _really_ want us to be happy…**

Arty: ** Whom are you talking to?**

Sophie _/quickly/ _**I'll tell you later.**


	3. Eggplant and Ixian Probes

Sophie_/singing/ **Why she had to go, I don't know, she wouldn't say**_

_**I said something wrong, **_

_**Now I long for Yesterday...**_

Artemis _/unhappy/ _**I really don't like the Beatles. AND they're not yours, (hint, hint) so get on with the disclaimer!**

Sophie_ /singing/ **Lady Madonna, **_

_**Children at your feet,**_

_**Wonder how you manage to make ends meet…**_

Holly /comes in in a good mood/ **Hey, I like that song!**

Both _/singing/ **Who finds the money**_

_**When you pay the rent? **_

_**Did you think that money was**_

_**Heaven sent?**_

_**Friday night arrives without a suitcase**_

_**Sunday morning creeping like a nun**_

**_Monday's child has learned to tie his bootlace,_**

**_See how they run…_**

Di _/bored/ _**The Beatles and their songs aren't ours; the AF crew aren't ours, they are—**

Arty _/indignant/ _**I'll have you know I belong to myself, thank you!**

Sophie _/using Voice, the words hit Artemis like a slap across the face/ _**Give me a break. Eoin Colfer is your author, kid, and _DON'T GET ME SUED. _**

Mill _/comes in/ _**Isn't that a misuse of Voice?**

Sophie _/shrugs/ _**It felt really good.**

Di _/continues, bored/ _**—Mr. Eoin Colfer's, or at least he writes about them. Voice and the Dune Chronicles and any of their attributes we may feel like using were created by the late Frank Herbert, and I don't know who has the copyrights now, and don't make me say this again, I hate disclaimers, but Sophie has a book in the works so I won't have to do them much longer—**

Sophie _/really mad/ _**BAD CAT! DON'T TELL ANYONE ELSE ABOUT THAT! GO AWAY!**

Di _/is yanked out by some inexplicable force/_

Arty _/confused/ _**What did you do?**

Sophie _/matter-of-factly/_ **Used Voice. Modified Voice.**

Arty _/more confused/ _**What?**

Sophie_/disgusted/_**Do you READ? HERE! **_/throws _Dune, Dune Messiah, Children of Dune, Heretics of Dune_ and _Chapterhouse:Dune_ at Artemis' head. He ducks just in time but the books rain down on him. Paperbacks, thankfully./_

Arty _/picks one of the books up/ _**I've never read Frank Herbert… **_/sits down and starts to read/_

Sophie **Hey! I was reading _Chapterhouse_! Give it BACK!**

Arty **No. **

Sophie **But you are reading _Dune_! So lemme read _Chapterhouse_!**

Foaly _/comes prancing in/ _**Is it still Insult Arty Day? Only there are no consistent _days_ in this, just chapters, and I don't know how long they take…**

Sophie **No…**_smirks at a happy-looking Artemis forebodingly/ _**It is Insult Arty FanFic! Yay!** _/looks delighted at Artemis' horrified look/_**Get insulting, contestants!** _/dances around randomly/_**Let's see who bothers Arty most!**

Holly, Root and Juliet _/come in from doorway/_

Holly_ /pensive/_ **This should be interesting…**

Root _/evily/ _**I've wanted to mess with that MudBoy's mind for a long time…**

Milldred _/was in all along but speaks up/_ **This is gonna be good…**

Foaly _/poking Artemis/_** Lollipop lollipop lollipop lollipop lollipop lollipop lollipop lollipop lollipop lollipop lollipop lollipop lollipop lollipop lollipop lollipop lollipop lollipop lollipop lollipop lollipop lollipop lollipop lollipop…**

Nostra_ /being random/_**EGGPLANT!**

_/an eggplant falls/_

Sophie_ /plugs nose/_ **I habe ebblant.** (She plugged her nose so hard she's not talking right. Translation: I HATE EGGPLANT!)

Arty _/scandalized/_ **My suit!**

Sophie_ /nose plugged/ _**Libe I tare?** (Translation: LIKE I CARE?)

Mill **Exactly.**

Juliet _/a bit weirded out now/_ **This is really a nuisance.**

Nostra **KAPOW**_/room cleans itself up, Arty's suit stops dripping/_ **Thank you humans, cats and fairies, thank you very much. You're here till Froomsday.**

All guests (aka not cats or Sophie) _/lean in towards Nostra/_ **When's that?**

Sophie _/disgusted because no one is paying attention to her/ _**When this ends**.

Nostra_ /remembers/_ **Oh yeah, Sool!**

Sophie _/voice quiet and dangerous, a bit like Artemis when he's being in character which he isn't/ _**I stopped your spell last time. I'll do it again and I might add a bath-clause for you since you are being a nuisance.**

Di _/comes back in, confused/ _**Bath-clause?**

Sophie_ /smirking/_ **He'd get hosed off. Soaked. And for anyone who's wondering, I got the idea for how this is written (in dialouge) from _Cooking with Artemis and Holly_ by Ani May Queen. If you like this you'd like it.**

Mill _/yawning/_**I'm tired, let's continue this another time.**

**SIGNING OFF. **

**(makes sound like Skype signing off)****  
**

_**KAPOW!**_

Sophie's voice in darkness_ /bored/ _**There go my Ixian probes...**

Milldred _/yelling/_** Foaly you have a magnesyum **(chemical I invented) **torch! I know you do! I saw you destroy our probes! You piece of dung! I'll have you know those cost more than this solar system in melange! (_And _a sandworm.)**

Foaly _/gulping/_ **Wasn't me!**_/curious/_ **Melange? Sandworms?**

Artemis _/frantic/_** YOU HAVE IXIAN PROBES? **_/runs around screaming/_

Sophie_ /mischevious/_ **A cliffie! Hate me if you want guys, but review!**


	4. Oh Dear

"Eek." Sophie moaned.

"Eek is right." Nostra seconded.

"WE ARE HAVING TO DO THIS IN FREAKING _STORY FORMAT_!" Milldred all-but-screamed.

"And that's the end of the world?" asked Artemis, wandering in.

"HECK YES!" Diana said, or rather shrilled.

"Why?"

"Oh, shut up." Said Sophie, even less amiably than usual. "You don't — Look, yes, it IS THE END OF THE D'ARVITING _WORLD_ FOR FROND'S FREAKING SAKE! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A GENIUS — HELP ME! I'm having to hold TEN FREAKING TERABYTES! in my mind! accurately! FOR EVERY PARAGRAPH! THAT IS WHY SCRIPT IS PREFERABLE TO STORY WHEN _THE AUTHOR IS IN IT_!" She rubbed her forehead. "Great. Now I gave myself a headache with the caps."

At that moment, Foaly came trotting in.

Sophie threw up her hands in exasparation. "Just when I thought the day _couldn't get any worse…_" She proclaimed. Foaly looked hurt.

"Look." He said, holding out a Mac laptop that Sophie stared at in amazement. He then proceeded to gripe about how _D'arvitting slow these mud man computers are_ while Sophie stared, in fear and then with growing frustration, at the screen.

"Darn it!" She burst out; "I cannot understand CSS!"

"The main thing is — ", the centaur started to clarify, until Artemis spoke up, having grabbed the laptop while Sophie and Foaly were trying to avoid cramming ten years worth of CSS study into her head and trying to cram the CSS study into it, respectively.

"Fido's broken."

"And we don't even have Ixian probes…" Someone muttered, possibly Holly.

"I don't see what the Ixian probes — or that what-do-you-call-it probe they put in the Bashar guy, for that matter — OUCH! Yow! Hey!", Artemis tried to say, having been attacked by Sophie for this horrible irreverence to _Chapterhouse:Dune_.

"Now, you two," said Root, appearing because Sophie felt like it, "the thing we should be worrying about is — pony, what should we be worrying about?"

"We should be worrying about," Sophie said slowly, "THE FACT THAT FIDO IS BROKEN!"

"Huh?"

"_FIDO_ is the editor-bot of FanFiction. If he's broken… we could all disappear." She said, clapping her hands to illustrate the next statement: "Like THAT!"

"But what should we _do_?" asked Artemis.

"We should — " Sophie started to say, but Fido, Fire Fox, Windows XP, and Microsoft Word got together and threw a wobbly, disappearing what comes after **_this_**


End file.
